Final Night… and Thoughts

Tonight is my last night as a bi-aural aided person. It is 11pm.. and I sitting here eating what may be my last meal for over 24 hours.. My surgery is scheduled for one pm tomorrow .. and I have to be at the hospital by 1030am.  I am so nervous, anxious and terrified. I will have a couple hours wait for my surgery, which will seem interminably long and nerve-wracking, even if i distract myself reading an e-book.

The doctor will shave part of the right side of my head.. my hair is going to look rather unbalanced in length. I may end up cutting it all shorter when it heals, just so it does not look funny. I will have a scar, that I am betting will look like a Nike Swoosh (going by the ex’s scar for the C.I.).

I worry that this won’t work, and that I have made a mistake. It is one thing to elect to have a tummy tuck, or liposuction or a face lift. While I have elected to do something that should ultimately improve things for me hearing wise, I have also elected to lose the residual hearing remaining in the right ear. That is a difficult thing to reconcile and accept. I try to look at the positive outcome..which is that it SHOULD give me more hearing than my hearing aids do. It will not give me normal hearing like anyone else has.. when I am not wearing the processor, I will not hear a thing in that ear. Only when I wear the processor will I hear.

My kids are worried for me.. and at the same time excited for the possibilities. My hubby is nervous too. He will not be there, as he has to work. He’s been trying to reassure me that our son will be fine, and will cope with my absence. His brother is here to help for a couple of days, which reassures me. My parents will be taking me to and from the hospital and then stay the rest of the week.

I hate having surgery. I have had 3 tube surgeries for my ears, one wisdom teeth surgery, surgery to remove a ovarian cysts, a laparoscopy to remove another (which he could not do), and three caesarean sections. This will make my tenth surgery total, and the 7th for which I go under anaesthesia. That is the scary part, allowing yourself to go into the nothingness, the blackness, of the “sleep” during surgery, and waking from it is so disorientating. Electing to undergo that experience is different from having to for medical reasons, but still scary nonetheless.

My last night… tomorrow my life will change irrevocably .. and I will embark on a new journey in my life.. in my quest to make the most of what I have with my hearing .. and hopefully gain more than I have in the years since I first started wearing hearing aids.

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