Should I Be Ashamed?

I’m ashamed that I haven’t worn my processor much since the beginning of April. Nor have I practiced my AVT homework either. I’ve been suffering from chronic headaches and migraines thanks to the weather system, and teeth grinding I’ve been doing. I also had a tooth become infected which caused additional pain and discomfort, unfortunately on the implanted side. Sound aggravates my migraines and headaches, so I was taking care of myself as best as I could. I couldn’t take the hearing aid off because I needed to hear my toddler.

Three weeks ago at my last appointment, I admitted this to my therapist. She chastised me for being hard on myself. We did some work, and ironically, despite lack of practice or use of the processor, I still made improvements. Shocking. I suppose that my brain got some work by using only the hearing aid and I ended up training myself just by listening to my toddler.

So why do I feel ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I have not practiced or worn my processor since? It’s because I’m too hard on myself and have high expectations of myself. I feel guilty for not actively practicing with my iPad apps or with my family on my homework.

I was to see my therapist today, but postponed it due to the pain I have. The antibiotics help, but I am still dealing with the pain. I feel guilty for cancelling because I want these sessions, and I need to keep the AVT progress going. I struggle to allow myself the right to take care of my needs, since so often I cannot with being home with our toddler.

I am approaching my two year activation anniversary, and I expect I will have a check up, and testing to see how far I’ve progressed. I haven’t gone from zero to sixty like I wanted, so I am nervous about how my speech comprehension tests will result compared to a year ago.

So later today, I will be going to a quiet spot in the house and practicing with my iPad apps, and will also try the new Angel Sounds app I downloaded. It’s time to get back to work and push through, as after all my time left in this study is nearing to a close. I have found it has helped immensely, so I hope the goals of the study proves beyond a doubt that adults need AVT just as much as children do.

So I am going to try to stop feeling ashamed, embarrassed and guilty and give myself a break for taking care of my health first.

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